 |
Time
Left Until Suicide: 2016-2-2 00:00:00 GMT+00:00 |
| 1225120982 |
 |
| 1221617741 |
| i’ve
tried persistently to contact the shaman, but received no answer. i’m
giving up for now. i feel insanely close to ending my time here. it is by
no means the first time i’ve felt like this, but i’ve never
felt this close to the edge about a specific individual before. it usually
has to be something somewhat great in order to conjure such thoughts and
fancy, but this occasion is different. if she were still alive, she would
not have guessed quite how much she means to me. but i didn’t even
know how much she meant until she killed herself. now i shall drink and
drink until i fall blindly into whatever darkness will take me. i cannot
remember feeling this pathetic. tired. waning. |
| 1221688402 |
after
the wake, i decided to skip out on work. i don’t usually miss out
on a chance to be making some lucre, but this was different. i hadn’t
anticipated that her death would affect me particularly, but it did. even
in my new manifestation. when i heard the news that C had been found hanging,
from a rafter, i felt sick. i have not felt this depth of emotion/contact
before with regards to any person. i have tried to forget about it, but
the image has somehow been printed, indelibly, on my brain. when i close
my eyes she’s there. swaying. ever so slightly. eyes wide open.
i’m going to talk to the shaman, if he’s still alive. i’m
going to try to contact her. this is all for now. |
| 1220317514 |
they
boast about their cold intellect and their disregard of ethics for the
greater good of collecting information. but they are hypocrites and inter-organisation
agitators. the idea that they could completely detach themselves from
their emotions in their line of work is laughable. the investigation regarding
the mansion opened up the cracks in one junior member in particular; whilst
we were gathering together our instruments and apparatus as we were leaving,
i noticed C in the master bedroom. she took something from a chest of
drawers and placed it in her pocket. [this is not altogether strange behaviour.
sometimes the junior members of the group will claim an item they think
they can fence without the seniors finding out.] but this incident was
different. i decided to follow her home after the debriefing. she didn’t
know i was watching her when she did something unexpected – she
paid a visit to someone who had been under surveillance when i’d
joined the company for the first time. he was tagged as some sort of shaman,
or possibly even a conduit, but the surveillance ceased on the basis that
he was nothing more than a trickster and an ex-con. [i’ve never
been sure about their conclusions however.] she wasn’t there for
long, and once she left i decided to chat with the shaman myself. he was
surprised to see me, remembered me, and treated me with the same unknowing
respect with which he always had. he gladly showed me what he was still
holding in his hand – an amulet. my concern is that C is going to
use this item to practice some form of magick; but for the good or the
bad of the company? i am unsure. i think i’ll discuss this with
her before too long though; before i quit at least. - P |
| 1219883191 |
| i
had another meeting but i felt uncomfortable with the group this evening.
they were asking many different questions about the paper i submitted to
the archive four days ago. it was detailed with the experiences i had whilst
i was looking in the house in the old town. [my advantage was in having
prior knowledge in the field of spontaneous combustion.] the room had not
been touched for slightly over twenty weeks and any evidence that would
have led to conclusions should still have been there. i didn't find much
though. but what i did find intrigued the group. a small amount of gunpowder
residue was present within the grooves of a wooden frame that hung above
a fireplace. but the fireplace was bricked over, and the wooden frame housed
nothing. - P |
| 1554114393 |
|